not a beautiful or unique snowflake (nothings) wrote,
not a beautiful or unique snowflake

Just got back from Jupiter in Berkeley. We were there because Triad, tritone's jazz band, was playing. We were at nj's band's gig because boutell was in town from Philly; attending were merde, pobig, artmonstergirl, bc & jen, and morrisa. I had three pints, and managed to get fairly buzzed; it's been a while.

Boutell and I were taking the BART back to Oakland, so I escorted him, and we just missed the second to last train; the last train hung around McArthur station for around 20 minutes. I got off at Lake Merritt, and began the 15-minute walk home, and it struck me that it was fairly cold out.

I flashed back to a memory of an encounter with Gena, the source of one of my two regrets.

This was numerous months after I had aborted our budding relationship, and we had maintained a reasonable friendship. For some reason that I don't recall, I was fustrated and unhappy in the friendship (EDIT: because I was still actually desired more with her, but tha wasn't an option), and decided it was time to bring it to an end. I was drinking alone (which I never do) and I think I had the lights out and a candle burning (which I never do).

For some reason that I don't recall, Gena was coming over to my place. Maybe she was expecting us to do something. Anyway, I met her at the door, and I told her I didn't think I could be friends with her anymore. Myself standing the doorway, her just past it. She was surprised, didn't know what to do. She said she didn't know what to say, didn't know how to bring it to a clean end, to really end it.

I slowly, as politely as possible, closed the door in her face.

Some time later--ten minutes, a half an hour, an hour, I don't remember--I decided that that was the most assholish thing in the world I'd just done, and moreover, I was being an idiot for abandoning the friendship, so I decided I'd better straighten things out as best as I could. Obviously the phone wouldn't do, so I'd have to see her in person. Except I'd been drinking, so I was in no condition to drive.

So I walked. I think it was a 45 minute or an hour's walk. I was still fairly intoxicated, and well-motivated, so the fact that it was a cold Texas night didn't really bother me.

I got to her apartment complex, went up to her door, and knocked.

(This is incompletely remembered, but it was something like this.) She saw it was me, acknowledged me, said hang on a second, then fifteen seconds later came back. I apologized for being an ass. She let loose some sort of spray on me--silly string, I realized, after a moment. Ok, I deserved that.

Anyway, we talked it over briefly, resolved things so they were pretty much back the way they were, and then she gently, politely, closed the door in my face. (Ok, I don't remember. Maybe it wasn't like that. I'd like to think it was.)

I walked away from her apartment, but I wasn't even out of the apartment complex when I realized that it was pretty damn cold, and I wasn't intoxicated enough not to notice it. Fuck. Choices were limited. I walked back to Gena's apartment, knocked again, and explained that--something I hadn't mentioned to her previously--I had been drinking, and I'd walked over, and could she possibly give me a ride home or let me crash there?

I slept on the sofa.
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